Hats off to the Onion ... awesome quotable

Hats off to the Onion ... awesome quotable

“Without nationalism, our deaths in the countless wars we constantly wage to defend our own nations against others defending their own nations against us would seem arbitrary, almost meaningless.”    The Onion



Spinoffs  =====================

“Without race identity, our losses in the countless battles we constantly wage to defend our own race against others defending their own race against us would seem arbitrary, almost meaningless.”

“Without spying on others, our loss of privacy in the countless wars we constantly wage to defend our own privacy against others defending their own privacy against us would seem arbitrary, almost meaningless.”


“Without incarceraing others, our fear of criminals in the countless arrests made to defend us against our fear of others defending their own freedom against us would seem arbitrary, almost meaningless.”


“Without the *terrorist* label, our fear of unpredictable death in the countless skirmishes we constantly wage to defend our own lives against others defending their own lives against us would seem arbitrary, almost meaningless.”

please add your own spinoffs


99guspuppet   keywords   777nationalism    777theonion

Comcast seems as bad as it gets

I have the opportunity to see Comcast policies up close for the last 5 years.
Comcast is an example of just about everything a company can do to act unethically / ineffectively.

Adios to an Employee
Comcast recently fired a friend of mine who had worked in Customer Support for 5 years.
The firing was done with no advance notice.  There was no severance pay.
There was no explanation given.  The friend was given 10 minutes to leave the premises.
My friend was often rated #1 in customer satisfaction.  She had high scores for solving customer problems during their first phone call.  Compared to other customer support agents, her support calls lasted longer on average.  She frequently got a *burst star excellent rating* for first call resolution.
 She had just qualified for an additional week of vacation each year.

This appears to be the reason she was fired.........

Metrics
Comcast is big on metrics.  They measure lots of things about customer support calls.  They constantly discuss these metrics with their phone support people.  They constantly coach their customer support people about how to behave on the phones.

Here are some rules.....
Rule:   Never hang up on a customer
Rule:   End the call as soon as possible
Rule:   Don't make the customer angry
Rule:   If service was down for more than 4 hours , credit them for 24 hours off bill.  Customer loss was irrelevant.
Rule:    If customer sounded suicidal , offer them $20 off their bill.
Rule:    Do not attempt to resolve any issue that was not directly due to Comcast


Once per month *birthday* people got a cupcake.


99guspuppet    keywords    777comcast      777customerService